Insanity or Inspiration?

In the past few days, I’ve noticed how easy it can be to get confused. Especially when you hit obstacles. In one of my many confessions last week, I told my mom:

“I can’t seem to tell the difference between something I’m supposed to fight through and something I’m supposed to let go of.”

We all run into obstacles throughout our lives. And we’ve all gotten the same mixed messages.

Quit banging your head up against the wall. A wise man knows when to retreat. Or Einstein’s famous:

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.”

And  on the other side.

“Obstacles are put in your way to see if what you really want is worth fighting for.”

So? How do you tell the difference between insanity and determination?

I have no freaking clue.

As far as I can tell, it’s all results drive, which is really really unfair. If you fight for something you want, and eventually have to stop fighting, seems like all anyone has to say is “Why’d you give up so easily?”

If you fight and succeed? That happened because you were determined, a fighter.

Never try at all? Coward.

The prescription for peace has been being content with what you have, but the moment you happen to want something different, we’re apparently compelled by all manner of historical geniuses to pursue that thing…but you better get it done quickly or inspiration becomes insanity at a moment’s notice.

Personally, I think that’s all it really is. There are millions…billions of people in this word that want things they’ll never have. And they’ll make personal choices to pursue that thing regardless, to let it go and try for something else, to pine after the thing they don’t have or to grieve it and move on. All of that seems perfectly natural to me. I just wish other people wouldn’t assign a value to it. That somehow, willpower, determination, blessings, whatever…are always enough.

I remember playing softball and being convinced that I wasn’t as successful as I wanted to be because I didn’t want it bad enough. It’s a nice Catch 22. A constantly self-feeding shame cycle. Where failure was always my fault, always something I can control…and apparently, something I failed to control. How’s that for a shame loop. I failed to control my failure…

As an adult, I’ve started to explore the possibility that there are a number of things in my life that I want, very badly, that are out of my control. And that yeah…the path to peace is being content with what you have. But that doesn’t mean you can’t want more…something different.

It does mean that when you decide whether or not to go after those things, your decision does not determine your worth or bravery as a person. It’s okay to want something different and to choose not to go after that. And, if you are at peace with that choice, if you find acceptance in that…it was the right decision FOR YOU.

If you choose to go after that thing…that was the right decision for you, REGARDLESS OF THE OUTCOME BECAUSE FAILURE IS NOT A MEASURE OF ABILITY OR DESIRE.

Failure is not a measure of ability, desire, commitment or favor. Failure is only a measure of one thing. The result.

I’m gonna have to work on this one. My brain believes it but my heart things I just wrote a bunch of crap.

We’ll see.

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