Hitting the Reset Button

Testing again last night revealed the same negative test results. I handled it much better this time than I did Sunday night…or at least I was calmer. I think, next month, I’ll test three times a day with the assumption that I have a very short LH surge and see if I can catch it that way.

If I miss it again in November I’ll have to make some choices. I did end up ordering the saliva test and I started taking my BBT. I still don’t think that BBT is going to be a reliable measure for me since I’m such a terrible sleeper, but at this point, I’m not going to leave any tools on the table.

If like this month, everything but the stick says I’m ovulating, I may try an insemination anyway. It’s a lot of money to spend on what feels like a guess, but if I’ve got 6 measures saying its time, and 1 saying it’s not, it seems silly to keep throwing the breaks on this train because of one measure.

The trouble is, frozen sperm only last about 12 hours, as compared to unfrozen sperm which can last up to 5 days.

That means that guessing really is riskier with this method.

I don’t really know what to do.

If November goes like this month did, I’m going to have to seriously consider taking some time off to get a better grip on how to track my ovulation. I can’t keep calling into the clinic that I’m going to inseminate each month.

I’m pretty sure they’ll start charging me storage for the sperm vials and I just can’t afford to spend my money that way. So, I’m going to have to let me hold go on my chosen donor, take off 3-6 months to try to figure this out, and then try again when I’ve got it sorted.

Honestly, thinking about putting this on hold…AGAIN makes me want to scream. I’ve been waiting 10 years. I’m beside myself that after all this time and planning, it’s got to be this complicated.

In an attempt to sooth my frustration, I made the terrible mistake of researching the cost of ovulation medication and, on the other side of the spectrum, adoption.

While the medication itself isn’t terribly expensive (between $10-100/pill for Clomid) the medical monitoring that goes along with it can be upward of $3000 per cycle. And that’s not including the other $1200 to have the IUI done at my clinic.

And, of course, that’s nothing compared to the average $33,000 – $50,000 cost of domestic or international private adoption. And, of course, everyone wants a baby which makes getting a baby extremely difficult.

I’m a single woman, renting with roommates. Not an ideal placement from their perspective for an adoption. It could take years, even if I had that kind of money. And I don’t. Won’t. Not for a long time.

Adopting through foster care is the most reasonable way to go. About $2500. I’ve already been a foster parent. Here’s how it was explained to me in my certification classes.

Being an “adoption only” house can take years. Longer if you want an infant. The best way to stay top of mind with the placement coordinator is to be a foster home option so your name stays in circulation, they get to know you better, and remember when the opportunity presents itself that you want to adopt a baby.

In the mean time, you’re a foster parent. Which is a beautiful, brave thing to do. And not something I want to do again. Not in my county anyway.  The support was abysmal, the resources were stretched to the max and I’m not currently able to reconstruct my day around the myriad extra appointments that foster children have. If I only needed to work part time, or was a stay-at-home mom or wife? Sure, I’d try it again.

But you should have seen their faces when I told them I was a single, working woman that wanted to foster. It was a cross between shock, empathy and “girl, do you have any idea what you’re talking about?”

The first parent support group I attended was a serious reality check. The group leader passively commented before the group began: “I don’t know how you guys do it (speaking to the other Moms in the room). I mean, your entire day is wrapped around these kids. It’s very challenging. And it takes two! I mean, let’s be honest, this is an impossible task for just one person to handle…”

The other moms in the room all looked at me. One quietly whispered to the leader that I was a single, working foster parent. She couldn’t even muster the composure to be impressed. She just looked at me like I was an unsavable sinking ship.

And, it turns out, she was right. Between Dr.’s appointments, therapy, supervised parent visits, court dates, mediations, case management meetings, evaluations, tantrums, blowouts, and illness brought on by the stress of being in foster care…it’s impossible to hold down a full-time job and be what those kids deserve.

I’m not enough on my own. Not at this point in my life.

So….this is it. Either my body works and I figure out a way to track it. Or I’m out of options for the foreseeable future.

I don’t even want to think about it.

Here’s hoping for November…

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