What if my body is broken?

I’m just over a week away from my insemination. I start testing for ovulation on Sunday, September 25th (the 10th day of my cycle) and I’m really starting to get excited.

We’ve been roommates for a little over a year and she’s quickly become one of my dearest friends. Since my disaster of a roommate experience as a freshman in college, I’ve worked really hard to never have roommates again. But, despite my best efforts, the time came when I needed the income help so….to craigslist I went!

And the universe answered my call and gifted we with two magical unicorns for roommates. One is quiet, pays rent on time and is almost never home. And the other…is all mine! We watch shows together, go out to dinner, movies…whatever! We’re both introverts, opinionated and passionate about the things we love. I couldn’t have gotten luckier with her.

Telling her that I was going to have a baby through IUI was terrifying. I was so afraid it would change our relationship, that she may even decide to move out rather than deal with a new baby in the house. The day we were out to dinner and I looped her in, her reaction was neutral, at best. And I very quietly started making peace with the idea that she would be a temporary fixture in my life.

Fast forward to a couple days ago and I was facing the reality of making the drive to my IUI on my own. My other friends who at one point said they’d go with me were coming up with other plans now that things were coming down to the wire. I was so heartbroken and so tired of being let down that I’d be making this trip by myself.

After one particularly emotional breakdown during a conversation with my mom, I realized that I may not be able to rely on my old friend group or my new one. My anger gave way to despair and I took a moment to grieve the loss of my extended tribe.

The reality was, I wasn’t fighting very hard to get someone to go with me. And the reason was one so terrifying that I couldn’t even voice it….so I’ll write it down, right here.

What if I’m broken? What if this doesn’t work? What if I’m infertile? What if I’ve told all these people, I’ll spend all this money, and I’ll have just wasted everyone’s time…

The truth is, if I have any fertility issues, I’ll never be able to afford to do anything about it before I run out of time. Early menopause runs in my family. I’ve got another year on my credit card loan, 2 on my truck, 3 on the debt program, 10 on my IRS payments and 25 on my student loans. By the time I’m in a financial position to spend 10’s of thousands on fertility treatments, it’s likely my body will be moving into the next stage of life. And the cost of adoption is just as oppressive.

So, every day, I very quietly acknowledge, that this is my best and only plausible shot at being a mother unless my financial circumstances drastically change. Which could happen, but it’s not something I’m banking my motherhood on. And so, when I think about these trips down to Pasadena  and how exciting and nerve-wracking the whole process will be, part of me just wants to go by myself.

Because if it doesn’t work, I don’t want anyone there to watch me shatter like that. I don’t want to have to be strong for anyone, keep it together for anyone, have wasted anyone’s time. I want to be able to hide and grieve in peace.

I acknowledge this fear. I accept this fear. And I will not be bound by it.

Because, my magical unicorn roommate, whom I’m so scared of losing, offered to go with me to Pasadena. And when she did, I was so incredibly grateful, so deeply happy to have her support. And not just her support, but her voluntary involvement. I couldn’t believe it and I still don’t sometimes. But she said she’d go. And I won’t hide behind my fear, won’t turn away from the support of the people I love because of that fear.

Sure, this may not work. And I may not be in a financial place to do anything about that if it happens.

And so, despite the endless variation of possible outcomes, I choose to spend my energy on the ones I want to happen. Worrying about what happens if it doesn’t work only makes this journey miserable and doesn’t solve anything.

The day after my I test positive, my unicorn and I are headed down to Pasadena!

Wish us luck!

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